Full Circle

"You can either look at life like nothing is a miracle or that everything is a miracle"



Have you heard this saying before?. I have heard it many times throughout my life but it's never rung as true as it has these past couple of months. This morning another event happened which made me think of the saying.

I was waiting for my good friend and co-anchor Seth Wayne to meet me for lunch. Being the crazy punctuality to a point, person that I am, I was extremely early, more than 15 minutes. I twiddled my thumbs trying to figure out how to pass the time and figured I would clean out my car. I had a plastic bag in my front seat so I started throwing everything I could find in it. I went through my backseat and then started in on my glove box. As I threw everything inside, planning to sort through it later, I saw something shiny at the bottom of the box. I pulled it out and held it in my hand --reminicing.

It was a sparkly prism heart made of glass. It radiates a different color when it hits the light and it had done a wonderful job of it, as it hung from my rear view mirror for nearly a year.

Back then I was in Alaska and the rainbow that would spill across my passenger seat would make me smile. I remember driving along the roads heading towards Seward in the Alaska sunshine. A feeling of serene calm, a feeling of magic. I had my dream job, I was in the most beautiful place on earth and the beauty I felt inside and out was almost more than I could bear.

But there is more to the story of the simple prism heart.--much more.
It was given to me by someone who I had loved dearly and while the details are not important...the story and significance is. He had tied the heart to my rear view mirror and it had accompanied us through many adventures. Down to Seward, across Anchorage and beyond. The heart hung from the car as we walked in parks and alleyways, frequented restaurants, shared secrets and surprises. Always radiating light --a rainbow even when the relationship was fast becoming stormy.

And then it was over one day. My heart bruised, my world shattered and my faith in humanity gone. I never thought I would be able to recover. Nights were spent crying, days were spend mourning and I felt as though I would never love again. I ripped off the prism heart and dropped it in the glove box, slammed the door, the mere sight of it brought me so much pain. I was broken...or so I thought.

Over the next days and months and years, I slowly grew and built my world up again. It wasn't easy, I was more vulnerable than I had been in a long long time but, somehow I was able to love again and love deeply. My heart found a way to heal and I survived and became so much stronger from it.

As I held the prism in my hand I remembered how hurt and angry I had been that day several years ago. I never in a million years thought I would recover and the mere sight of the crystal would have overcome me with sadness but, now it was nothing but what it was. It held no power over me and neither does that relationship anymore. All the crying and tears and heartbreak and thoughts of "never finding love" again were gone. It was nothing but a distant positive memory. It gave me hope..that despite our struggles and times when you feel as though you will never get over someone or something--one day you will. One day you will wake up and the sun will be shining in your heart and you can forgive.

It's a testament to life that we can move through the ripples of pain and grief and become whole again.

A BOOK to make you smile and A MOVIE that will make you THINK

I want to tell you about two little nuggets that made me smile. One is a book and one is a movie --both can be very useful and inspiring, at least they were for me.



I checked out the book, "Happy for No Reason" by Marci Shimoff a couple of weeks ago. The book is a conglomeration of all different theories and ways one can be happy. Did you know researchers have found out that everyone has a set happy point that is determined by genetics? Scientists have found that everyone returns to that point eventually despite whatever situations they go through in life-even severe car crashes and paralyzing injuries. The only exception to this is the death of a spouse which can take longer to recover from. The book is more of a workbook with different ideas about happiness. I Loved it. Marci writes with clarity and purpose and she sprinkles stories throughout of people who have overcome challenges and found a way to be happy. I found it really put things in perspective for me and I Loved loved loved it!



Now onto the second one, yesterday I had two separate friends text me the same text within the span of one hour. They both told me to watch the movie "Eat Pray Love". I have not watched a movie by myself in nearly a year and a half but, I thought, why not? (sidenote** how strange is life sometimes? Why would two friends of mine text me at nearly the same time to tell me about a movie that has been out on video for nearly a month? Another mystery of the world that I wonder about)

I figured it was a sign and stopped at the redbox on the way home. What a wonderful uplifting movie it was. I laughed, I cried but, mostly I reflected. Julia Roberts ends her marriage and decides to go visit three separate countries in her quest to find herself. I think it would be wonderful to just pack a couple of bags and take off for awhile. The movie made me think about my own life and all the places I have lived and times I have been alone. I feel a calm inner strength knowing that I have done so many things and survived so many challenges by myself. Had I never moved to Eugene, I would have never gotten to the point of spirituality that I feel now. Everyday I learn more about happiness, self love and asking the Universe to guide me in what I want and need.

Signs are everywhere...what are yours?

Minnesota Pictures

Minnesota was beyond wonderful...here are a couple of pictures from my 31st birthday party! Here are my sister and I



Friends from High school and other times!

Minne SNOW tah

From home to back to home again. Sometimes I am not quite sure where home actually is. It feels so much like it when I am in Minnesota. The warmth, the family, the genuine urging to be completely and utterly myself. Then I leave and fly back to wherever I happen to be working and suddenly my emotions shift and I am back to being independent, alone, career minded and driven. Where is home? It's Minnesota--where all is familiar comfortable and in sync.

I am heading back to Eugene after a week in the snowy midwest. I got to spend my first birthday back in the place I love in five years. The week was incredible. Every single day was filled with joy and fun and probably most of all sheer comfort. Home cooked meals, hours upon hours on end of nothing to do but, relax, laughing and joking with my brother and sister...staying up till 2AM. I feel so blessed to have that little nook of love in the world. A place I can be completely and utterly me and never have to worry about love not being reciprocated...bliss.

Friends I have not seen in months came for my party. My good friend from Alaska was there along with my best friend Pam who knows more about me than I know myself sometimes. Old college friends and two very dear friends from high school. Also, aunties who pretty much raised me since I was a child...yes, I am indeed blessed. On the night of my birthday the snow started around 4PM and did not want to let up. We ended up with 8 total inches...cars covered and roads packed full of ice. It was a winter wonderland that I welcomed in my 31st year of life!

I will post pictures soon! I have a three hour layover in Seattle..but, it was a week I will not soon forget. Now as I sit here flying further and further away from everyone who loves me...I wonder..just when I will get the chance to come back. I hope it's soon!

Out of Body Experience?

Last night I had a very surreal out of body experience that I wanted to share before the details become fuzzy. I think just the fact that my brain remembers every single detail of the event shows me that something strange did indeed occur last night. I had just fallen into a deep sleep after reading a very inspiring book, called "The Law of Attraction in Action". I read a couple of chapters and was channeling positivity and the teachings into my thoughts as I was laying there. At one point, I put the book down and stared up at the ceiling. I asked myself, "what would I want if I could have anything in the world". What if the world was my catalogue and I could choose anything I wanted and bring it to me through my thoughts and actions-what would I choose.

I lay there and really tried to focus. More than material possessions, I found myself greatly wanting certain feelings. I imagined a situation where I felt complete and whole and strong and completely loved. I felt a certain peace come over me and a couple of minutes later I drifted off to sleep.

It was about 3AM when the strange incident occurred. I "woke up" and felt myself in a float like state. I knew I was in my room, I knew that I was awake but at the same time a heavyness had decended on me where I was helpless against the movements of my body. I felt myself sit up in bed, and the cover removed from my body. I slowly drifted down toward the end of the bed and put my hands above my head, as I did a strong force pulled my arms in front of me and over so that I now rested in a hunched over position. I then woke up in my normal position laying in bed but, strangely awake. It really didn't feel like a dream and I had been awake and aware of what was going on the entire time. It happened again a couple of hours later, this time I was walking down the hallway outside of my bedroom...I remember feeling heavy and weighed down but, being completely aware of what was happening. When I "woke up" in my original position in bed, I remember feeling beyond frightened and wished I wasn't alone but, I also had a clarity and peace of mind about the whole thing. I am not sure what exactly happened last night but, it made me feel very small in the realm of the Universe and the mysteries that we face.

I have learned a great deal about myself these last couple of months. I have learned how vulnerable and emotionally fragile I am when it comes to love and emotions but, also how very strong I can be and how I can persevere. Last night's mystery was just another building block on my roadmap of life. A roadmap that will lead me to everything I desire

Long Days

What a long long day today was. I woke up late but, the hours kept dragging. These days seem extra long--filled with thoughts and quietly laced reflections. No--I wouldn't say it's a bad time, just a time when I am learning a lot more about myself. The learning is manifesting itself in rather interesting ways. Body aches and pains and emotions that are turbulant. All times where one can learn. All growing experiences if we allow them to truly be...and don't fight them. :)

Many The Miles, Sara Bareilles

This song makes me feel powerful, strong and gives me the courage to know I will survive and move past the hurt..